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Hello good people... I'm writing this as the last resort after a true hell of a year because, despite my and my family's and therapists' best efforts, the things have only got worse, and I have sunk into deep depression and almost completely lost hope and will to live, but am still very afraid to try suicide and still have a spark of hope that things could get better (but am afraid that I wouldn't hold on if they got even worse)...To start with, I had a very interesting and active life, had a lot of ups and downs but was overall very satisfied with myself and healthy, always enthusiastic and full of energy and will to overcome challenges. Than in 2014. I had a crises, which began with stomach problems following a depression, it was really bad for a short time, but this depression quickly got better, and with time I felt better and better, and after that I had a very good year, I even managed to find a girlfriend. At the end of 2015.I got stomach problems again, this time more severe (hiatal hernia), and I fell into mild depression because of that and overthinking/confusion what I wanted to do with my life, but still I didn't give up, I had great support of my girlfriend, friends and my parents and I could do some things that helped and soon things got better, and starting with summer I had probably the best time of my life, I improved myself and started fulfilling my potential, started having the life I was truly satisfied with and made progress in things I enjoyed doing, and was close to getting a job and moving away from my parents with my girlfriend... But than things started getting bad...First because I got into some bad company, and I started drinking alcohol almost every day and smoking weed, although I still took medicine (for stomach and a little dose of antidepressants as I still visited a psychiatrist), and that made me a little aggressive so I had some quarrels with my parents, friends and girlfriend, and felt a little worse again, so my therapist changed the therapy and gave me some sedatives...after that I felt a little better again, but soon, at the middle of December I started going down and had some moments of depression, which started increasing, mostly due to bad weather and these sedatives, which the doctor didn't want to remove from my therapy, and it only got worse, so in the middle of January i felt really down and apathetic and started having suicidal thoughts (and my stomach problems got worse again). Only my parents and my girlfriend were there for me and knew how i really felt, I saw few friends but usually avoided going out with them because I changed and became scared and anxious of things I enjoyed doing before, so I watched TV and moves mostly and walked in my place and slept a lot, and my therapist didn't help anymore so we decided to try a new one which helped my girlfriend's friend who was suicidal and in mental hospital...But, I couldn't get to him immediately, and I started thinking about death a lot in that period, and started feeling totally apathetic and hopeless so I started reading online how to kill myself and even planning to try that. Luckily, before I had the chance to try it, I visited that new therapist with my parents and when we all told him how I felt he said I should go to mental hospital nearby for a few weeks to have some analysis done, and I was really scared but agreed to go as I had nothing more to lose.
When I went there, I felt even worse at the beginning because I was away from those few people who really loved me and I begged my parents to take me home when they would come to visit because I wanted to kill myself more than ever, but it was impossible, as the doctors didn't want to release me until I got better. I thought that it would never happen, but the therapy was changed and I started socializing with a few people there (and most of them were depressed so we had something in common), and after 3-4 weeks I felt a little better, I became a little more communicative and had some good moments, started feeling a little optimistic about the future again, and couldn't wait to be released to start with some activities that would get me out of depression (as then I felt as in 2014. thinking that I would feel better and better with time as I did back then). But after leaving hospital, I felt similar for a month, didn't find any activities except yoga (I applied for volunteering in several organizations but none called me), and soon my stomach problems deteriorated, and I became more depressed again with suicidal thoughts. I went to a doctor for stomach, and felt a little better again soon because of some friends, girlfriend and some books I found online for overcoming depression, but as soon as the improvement and new hope appeared, I started feeling worse again - I became too sleepy and tired, even though I slept good and a lot during night, I felt sleepy again almost every day after a few hours of getting up and I had to nap 2 times a day which really affected my plans, and after some time it got even worse - I felt tired as I haven't slept at all, all the time no matter how much I slept. I went to a doctor, who sent me to lots of analysis and they were all good, so they assumed it was all due to my anxiety and depression. Me and my parents decided that i should change a therapist, to start again with the one that helped in 2014 (I forgot to mention that I was really disappointed with the one my girlfriend recommended me, because he would only meet me for 10 minutes and didn't give me any advice and help at all, only changed the medicine I took), and in the meantime to try with some vitamins, which really did help and for a few days I felt better...But then constant sleepiness returned, which led me to greater anxiety and even a mild nervous breakdown...After more than a week, again came a few days of improvement, in which I could even sing and rap (which was one of my occupations before this depression) and I walked a lot and rode a bike and felt satisfied and hopeful again because of that. But after a week, sleepiness came again, and...IT STILL LASTS, even though I changed the doctor.
At first I was really mad, I yelled and cried a lot in the mornings when I felt (and still feel) the worst, so sleepy I find it really hard to do even the simplest things as walking, and I started taking sedative medicine, which calmed me but made me even more apathetic. To add up, my girlfriend, whom I truly loved and had the greatest life moments with, left me, even though she said she would do everything to preserve our love, she didn't even remain my friend, only my parents, cousins and few friends are there for me, of whom only my mom and 1 real-life friend understand (or at least try to) how I feel, the others only make me more nervous with their advice when I try to talk with them about me; lately I found some people online via facebook groups that I chat with who understand and support me, so that gave me a little relief. And since the end of July, even though my doctor promised me improvement soon, and gave me 2 new anti-depressives, nothing has changed, I feel bad all of the time, I slept bad at night despite extreme sleepiness (some nights I could't even fall asleep), in the mornings I felt worse than when I go to bad, when I sleep for some more I feel a little better, but still sleepy and can't concentrate on things I liked doing and think clearly, the only things I can do are listening to music, watching movies and series, helping at housework and walking/riding a bike, and often I feel so sad when I think about my problems and feel pains that I don't feel energy and will to do even that so I just lay in bed with some soft music on. My stomach also hurts sometimes, I'm very anxious, overthink a lot and my eyes hurt all the time (which is said to be because of my anxiety). The therapist said that I have to avoid sleeping during day, which is impossible to me, I tried my best and I have to sleep for at least 1-2 hours to be able to do something, and he said I have to start going to lectures at my college as that would help my depression, and my parents and cousins insist on that too, but I feel unable to study and to follow them, and don't feel like socializing especially with new people (as I became very quiet and aloof, so I don't know how to do that). I had so many plans and dreams, I have great potential, and this whole year had been a nightmare and I couldn't fulfill any of them, and I tried my best just because I had hope I can LIVE again, not just agonize. I don't demand all the qualities I once had, I would be happy even if could be able to have one of them, to succeed in one area and to able to enjoy at least some things, but I'm totally sick and tired of feeling this way, nothing starts and motivates me anymore and I have nothing to look forward to when I feel this way all the time, despite all our efforts and giving all our money to doctors and medicine (despite our very bad financial situation). About 3 weeks ago I found some fb groups where I felt comfortable writing about my problems and feelings, and that gave me a new hope, but some days after that I started feeling even worse (like this whole year - whenever hope arises sometimes even worse happens and that tears me apart!), in the beginning it was due to a virus but the virus is gone and I still felt this way, and I changed my therapist again and the therapy, so maybe that's the reason, for the last 3 days I feel a little better but still very far from good and I feel very pessimistic about the future.
To sum up in other words: There are days when we look all around and all we see are insurmountably high walls keeping us stuck in our misery. When those days blend into weeks and months with little relief, we get so weary and don't feel any ability to summon up the effort we know it will take to rise above those walls and start walking on our own two feet once again. Logically, we know we're capable; it's our minds and our bodies that simply will NOT cooperate, leaving us even more deeply saddened because we feel betrayed by our very selves; so, my only way is to try to find some help on the forums like this, because I can't take this much longer! I'm willing to see if this new therapy will bring any improvement, but if not the only option I see is hospital, and I really wouldn't like getting back to the one where I was despite getting better there earlier, and my parents say it's not manageable to go to some foreign one without first going here, so I don't know what to do, recently I've been having anxiety attacks and I feel like I'm going insane and like I'll never be OK anymore, I hardly even found a strength to write and post this here, and I'm obsessed with my problems and the pains I feel so I really need help before it's too late!
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