I Want To Die. But I can't kill myself

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I wanted to start this off my saying thank you for taking the time to read this. I am 26, married with 2 boys all under the age of 4. Here is where things go wrong for me and I don't know if anyone can relate or help. I was a law enforcement officer for an elite agency in the government. 4 years ago I was arrested and charged with several crimes that I did not commit. My boss was responsible for them and it happened when I was still operating in Iraq as a Navy SEAL. I was arrested and the story was made public. But the news got it wrong of course and made me look crazy and responsible. I was put on house arrest when I was released from jail. The next day my father suddenly died of a heart attack. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks due to a stress induced heart attack myself. My family and church stopped associating with me. My family found my situation funny. They completely outcasted me.  10 months later my wife cheated on me with a couple guys (had a threesome) and wasn't sorry for it at all. I became an alcoholic and extremely suicidal. After a couple attempts will medication I just stopped caring. I since quit drinking. But since the case happened I had to move myself and my family in my mom's house. I hate that. I can't get a job because of this pending case. The court system has pushed my case off for 4 years! I try my best to look for things to be happy about but I can't even take care of my kids, or put gas in my car. Pay my phone bill. I don't feel like a man anymore. I get disrespected by the police that constantly comes to my house, by my so called wife, my mother. They talk to me like I am nothing. I have to wear this ankle monitor like I am some kind of criminal. It's a constant reminder. This case should have been over 2 years ago but they don't care by life is on hold and I am drowning. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I won't kill myself, but if death came by way I wouldn't move out of the way. Everyone wants to tell me it's going to be fine, just be strong or get over it. like they can relate...  I don't care about life anymore. I want to die I cry so often, I am overwhelmed. I haven't been able to sleep in 3 years without taking something to knock me out. I don't have PTSD from service and I have had multiple court-ordered psych evals that prove I am mentally stable. This case is what is making me lose my soul. I have done everything I can to make things better. There is no time limit on how long the courts can take and we are nowhere near the end. I want to die so I can be done with this pain that I feel 30 seconds out of every minute of each day. All I feel is sadness and disappointment. I wish I was never born. I wish my parents never met. I am hopeless

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  • Posted

    We are in the UK and not in the States so the system you have on the other side of the pond is completly different.

    All I can suggest is you try and arrange some Counsilling, we would call it CBT and you would be given coping skills.

    You can try Breathing Tehniques, and a Relaxation Technique called MINDFULNESS you can get explanations on the web.

    We have Mental Health Day Centres, they can help you rationalise your concerns and help you move on through your difficulties.

    Sorry you are not getting any understanding from your family I would have thought they would have stuck by you and trust your judgment and inocence.

    You will need to consider what your future holds after your case has been heard,

    Good Luck

    BOB

  • Posted

    Hi there. So sorry to read of all u are going through. It must be doubly hard to go through being wrongly arrested & tried in the public eye as you said even before this long awaited trial with no set date !! xx i watched a programme yday on i.d.channel about a guy in the states clarence elkins who was wrongly convicted of murder and served seven years before he was aquitted. I can only say it must be dreadfull for you as he had ppl fighting his corner, wife etc although their marriage didnt survive the ordeal they are both remarried now and he can try to rebuild his life. It must seem hopeless, but there are some good ppl left in the world who will see through the conspiracy & set up & im hoping they get on board to help you fight the system....Make your boys your reason to be alive.. they are youre family now & if they were a little older im sure they wud be stood shoulder to shoulder with u fighting all the way xxx awww good luck & in the meantym kp talking it does help at least while yr waiting... gets u out of yr mums a bit even if only to go to counselling if possible near u meet people feeling as down as u. Who can empathaize. Xx let us know how yr getting on.. here to talk x mandy ?

  • Posted

    this for me personally is a very tough topic as I have been victimised by authority and different aspects of it my whole life.

    However you are not a figure of authority and are suffering now as many have because of the very hand you once represented.

    You may although I don't feel you in your current state of mind will benefit from it like to read my personally dealings with suicide the discussion was I killed myself.

    You are most certainly not hopeless and it takes a real man to bear his soul for all to see, it takes a man to stand up and say no I can't cope with this alone and I need help, for that you prove your worth as a man.

    Unfortunately everything has come at one time for you and it is completely live changing the worring thing personally here is you lack the confidence in the law system you once stood for which scares the hell out of me because if you know your innocent and they can prove that then although a step back in your career you've nothing to worry about

    The fact that you hit the bottle and realise that is a problem for you means you can get help with that and there are clinics as you'll be aware of that can detox you your wife was not who you once thought she was and the way you should look at that is she's some other persons problem now because surly you couldn't take her bk right?

    Your family may be going down a tough love approach with you what with you being a man of high places man in the past now they see you down and not motivated that's got to be hard on them too so they may think if we say you can't or you'll never hell Buck his ideas up to prove us wrong you know how reverse psychology works right?

    Maybe you need to talk to them and let them know how it's breaking you, you know deep down this is a tempory set back and a man that has come from where you have been realises you are going to end up with a hell of a payout once you've been proven to be innocent and get your live back in order.

    I think sometimes we forget who we are when things go badly and this is what's happening to you because of one part of your life spiralling out of control its managed to take down all the other parts of your life.

    The depression can be treated as the drink can self confidence and esteem can be also but first of all you need to remember who you are where you came from regain that trust in the system that you represented look in the mirror and remember who you where is the first step then want to be that person again

    Remember the answers are never on the bottom of the glass or bottle and with every drink you get through your only going to feel as empty as that bottle you have to make the first step

    I do hope you manage to pull through this and become the man you were stay strong ok this is only temporary

  • Posted

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    • Posted

      so what your issue

      Maybe you were held to much or not enough maybe the passage was to tight it would seem the best part of you was either swallowed of ejected and ended up as a stain!

      If you were indeed the fastest sperm cell that got down the tube to the egg I can't imagine how sad the life's of all those others would of turned out!

      There's got to be some kind of medical imbalance in your head to think it appropriate to comment such a disgusting comment for fun the lack of education shows with the derogatory comments and a colour of skin

      ( that means not nice by the way) some times we forget that simpletons can lose the meaning of words

      Do you actually want someone's death on your conscious (that's mind) for the rest of your days are did you think this would humour people your a very sad individual I suspect your angry you where breast feed after spotting the milk sacks you once nursed on I understand it's upsetting and humiliating for you but that's life I'm afraid

      My advice to you is not to let your past dictate your future it's no ones fault you sucked that wrinkly old thing only your own we forgive you you didn't know any better don't be mad at the world man

  • Posted

    I got here by typing " i want to die but i can't kill myself " in google. I've read your story and i feel really sad. I felt bad by wanting to die just because of petty reasons. I know we all have our own struggles in life and sometimes it feels like you can't take any moreof it and it feels like death can end everything. I don't know what to tell you to make you feel better. I don't want to tell you to be strong and that you'll get through it, because honestly i don't know if i can do the same. You've been strong really to be able to stand until now. I hope you can continue to do so for your kids. I wish there's something i can do to help you.

  • Posted

    Dude that is so friggin horrible I am so sorry all I can tell you is you are obviously an outstanding man f**k whoever doesn't have your bad your wife she's hella stupid and she did you a favor cause you don't want that kind of person in your life your family either they will be sorry for not being there for you or just write them off cause family isn't always blood anyway. Don't give up I know that this is horrible and I cannot even begin to relate but God only gives the toughest jobs to his strongest soldiers you can do this and your kids need to see you break free from this too! Pray meditate and most of all even if it seems impossible stay possitive tell yourself your going to beat this cause you are it's called the laws of attraction whatever we put out in this universe we get back so just know that it's going to be alright! We are here to learn whatever our spirits needed training on is what we go through in life so we can overcome anything and learn all aspects of life. I know you don't know me and no I'm not a Bible humper I don't believe in religion but God is real and you have to pray and be strong get through this I believe you are going to and you should too!

  • Posted

    I’m there with you. Everyday I write out suicide letters telling myself “Today’s the day”. It never is though. People say new beginnings and such but they don’t realize how hard it really is because they’ve never been in that situation before. Doctors are always trying to say that there is always someone there for you, but sometimes there isn’t. Suicide sometimes is the answer just like war is sometimes the answer.  I honestly hate this world it is spiteful and only rewards the bad never the ones whom actually try or have gone through so much to get where they are.

  • Posted

    To LegendEcho:11/26/17

    It's 1306hrs and I'm sitting in bed trying to study with thoughts of suicide running through my mind. I'm a single mom in my thirties and I feel broke , alone, scared and sad...all the time if I'm not numb. In 2001 I began a career in my early twenties at a local Police Department in my state. I loved my job. I was finally proud of myself and feeling good. I never had a lot of friends growing up bc I was socially awkward. I had a skin disease that turn my skin red and burned. I was made fun of by some family, peers, adults and even teachers. Clown face, red face...you name it. And to beat it all I'm fair skin with black hair. Also got called a witch for that. Anyway, I didn't have much of a life till working at the PD. Which was a few years after high school and my redness went away. Well I worked 7 years at the PD with no problem. My coworkers likes me and I was good at my job. Well year 7 almost 8 one of my high school bullies got a job with the PD in my division. She apologized for being a b***h to me and even said I was actually a nice person. Invited me to her bday party even. In 2007 I ended up dating a police officer. (I was admin) which he use to date this bully of mines friend in high school.I didn't know him then). I ended up getting pregnant. And one day a African American co-worker of mine was upset at a family member and decided to take it out on me. She was made because I was not at my desk(I was on break) when a runaway report came in. She didn't want to enter it bc she was having a heated argument with her sister. She threatened to f***me up and slap me on my face because I didn't reply to her smart remark. She then proceeded to tell me,"go ahead say something, you don't want to f***with me." I then said ditto. The next day or so I was written up with a false accusation of saying "you people." Yet they could not tell me how I supposedly said, "you people." It was as if I just said "you people" which I didn't. (And that so stupid anyway) I told my story of the incident and this ended up in a year investigation, a removal from my job duties, harassment from my peers who were African American. And disrespect from my command. In the interrogation first asked a million retarded questions for over an hour and police headquarters untapped by suit then next hour tapes and different attitude directed at me. I was told that I have to admit saying, " you people" bc of anyone ever heard me say that it's perjury I'm going to jail. (I had to sign that paper...yup)The. I was told I have to be racist because I'm white (I'm actually half& his panic but they said my skin is too fair I don't look it so I can't claim it)and because my white father is from North Carolina and has a Ford vehicle. They also wanted to know if I was republican bc if I was that's another indicator for a racist white. I was also told that the lady who threatened me wasn't going to be in trouble I was. This lady was in early fifties and bc of that they said she has went through racist times in her life and that I'm white privileges so I have to be punished and made a example of for the department. I refused. I was 3 1-2-4 months pregnant the stress of it all made me miscarry.(most of the PD that was interrogating were white too) I went into a downward spiral. I was angry and sad. If I wasn't screaming at home I was crying. My friends at work stop talking to me. Because it's a big clique there and my boyfriend left me and told me after I miscarries it takes more than that for him to love someone. After years of anger and crying it turned into depression, sadness and being numbs I can day dream gaze and think 5 minutes has passed and it's been 3 hrs. After all that I was constantly written up on stupid stuff. Nitpicking. My health started to fail and I was borderline suicidal. My parent older were no help. Father would curse me out and say it makes no sense you had to do something. They would call me cry baby and tell me I make them sick and even say something I told them a captain at the PD said to me in the interrogation. That he hates me and everyone does.  I ended up getting pregnant on purpose kind of. I actually didn't think it would happen but I did want a baby-i was lonely. They guy wanted to date me for years but wasn't my type he was a bad guy, I dated him bc I knew my ex the officer would hate him. I got pregnant he left. I was eventually push out of the police dept and moved to another city government dept where for 2 years no one would speak to me. Except one older guy who bonded with me over books. He told me that the bureau manager there told all supervisor to not talk to me, have little to do with me and don't trust me. It hurt. More depression. I found out that that came from word of HR. I've had a stroke, suffer from tmd, heart issues and depression. I live in a city I hate and I only stay here bc of my dad. He's 75the only family I have left. My mom died almost two years ago. Oh, when my mom dies my job didn't even send a card or flowed and no one came but I showed up

    At work with a smile on my face and kept going. They sent me to EAP and said I had anger issues from mom dying. Anything to bully and harass me. I have anxiety now if I get spoke to by officer or supervisor or reprimanded. I have a 5 year old and I don't get child support though I've tried & ive been with the same employer (city gov jobs) with no pay raise since I've left PD. Over 15 years with employer and I make less than 30k.im held back bc of this. At times I want to hate all black people bc of this but it's wrong and I can't that's just not me. And then I hate those white people who try to act black and lie on average white folks like me to get over on people but I can't do that either. However I'm hurting myself and this is affecting me and my daughter. I have social anxiety, I can't go most places by myself or I have anxiety attacks. I worry about people hating me or jumping on me. I've cried bc I hated feeling alone and having no one in public... Like seeing happy couples or two friends enjoying a coffee out. I tried reading a lot to get the jump off this bridge, run vehicle off here or in that thoughts. i put myself in relationship with guys who want me but I don't want them just to hurt myself. I can't do relationships anymore though I would love to have one. I use men. Bc I feel well that's what "G" did to me why not. I don't think I can't love again. I love my daughter but I don't think I love her as much as a mom should. I'm angry and miss my first the one I lost. My daughter everyone says she looks like me and now she gets upset at that which hurts me, I think she dislikes me and thinks I'm ugly. I've gain a lot of weight. No one calls me. I don't know why I have a cell phone. I call my dad a lot bc o have no one to talk to it pisses him off. I get let it go -get over it from him and half sister. I can't sleep anymore. People in the city I work in loathe me and I never did those things-you people. Hell my best friend was black.  She stopped talking to me bc of my depression-over 3 years now. Oh the lady who bullied me sends me baby registry gifts every year. PD won't do anything about it. They laughed. I want to die, disappear and sleep all day. I don't want to leave my house bc life and people terrify me. My ex recently spoke to me he told me he did love me and I was the biggest regret of his life.... I was happy he even told me he still loves me and wanted to work it out try again. He told me a few days later it's not going to work, he loves me but not in the same capacity. He told me to never contact him again or he'll get a protective order against me and have me arrested. That fear caused me to hurt and go into a deeper depression & I'm reliving it all over again. I really want to die but don't want to kill myself. I feel I'm being punished bc I have to live bc my daughter won't have anyone. I'm so broken. 

    • Posted

      Hi Brokenwingdove

      We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

      If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

      Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

      If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

      Kindest regards

      Patient

    • Posted

      I have read your story and it upsets me deeply. You have been stronger than you think to get over the last few years. You must focus on yourself and your daughter. Have you considered working in a place where no one knows you? 15 yrs is a long time to uproot and make a move but maybe that’s just what you need. 

      I’m sad that so many of your friends including your officer boyfriend have turned against you - shame on them! Their loss not yours. Find the strength the make the more you’ll not regret it I promis you. 

    • Posted

      Hi Brokenwingdove, I have just read your post which I have found after searching google with the exact same search that you did to also find this place! I will be honest and say that after reading your post I felt every word of it and could see every truly broken and confused emotion in your words, I have never posted myself or even replied to anyone elses but the similarities between you and I hit me hard...so much so that I went and registered my account to be able to post a comment....I am not sure why doing this now would even interest you let alone help matters for either of us but I felt compelled to do so if that makes sense at all? I am also a single mum in my thirties...early thirties though wink and I am also having to cope with studying while dealing with the suicidal thoughts and I am fully aware that I know how much I want to die but also that I am incapable of following it through to actually even attempting to try and end this pain, this sadness and this complete and total debilitating lonliness...I don't have any answers for you and can't imagine what you have been going through all this time even though we have such similarities at this point we have found our lives at currently, we also have such different

      life stories that got us here so I think knowing that I am not wrong or crazy or even as your dad has said that I should just let it go and get over it I believe that is what temporarily stopped my tears and made me write to you so I hope you get this and I will not patronize you by saying that it will get better because I don't even know how to get there myself but I simply have to tell you that I know how hard it is for you and how much you are fighting just to keep going for your daughter and I think we know how strong we are if we need to be and live in hope that someone finally sees past or fake smiles (or as I like to call it - my game face lol) and tells us whatto do or where to go and we can get help and finally be happy like I can tell you and I both bloody deserve! I hope you get from my message what I got from yours and truly believe you and surely will be ok if we can fight so hard to stay here for our kids despite all this going on inside then we can fight for us eventually too?? xx

  • Posted

    You know that is hard to read and I came here honestly to find out why it is so hard to kill yourself and no matter what I say could possible help you since I don't know you and honestly I don't know why I'm putting this reply in but all I can say is you have change my mindset and I hope there is some way you will be able to recover from this

    • Posted

      Hi there i.d.c. 134 glad legend echos post has changed yr mindset a bit x i octen wonder how he is. I posted a long while ago.

      Ive had a very tough 9 mths after an ok few yrs on gud meds. Stay strong x

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